This
has been a wonderful weekend of family and love. It is a
pleasure to be able to share it with you all.
What
is marriage? Why are we doing it? A friend of ours openly
asked us this question shortly after we were engaged, and it is not
something that we are doing without thought. But I don’t
believe that marriage is necessary for two people to love one
another.
Often
times there is an assumption in our culture that when two people are
together for awhile, they should get married. It’s just what
we do. When people get engaged, the normal response is usually
a straightforward congratulations, expressions of joy or goodwill. A
happily-ever-after feeling. But I don’t think that’s
really the entire story. In fact some of the things that I
think may be the most valuable about marriage, and the reasons why I
find myself deciding to embark on it, are perhaps not the
happily-ever-after trope that we tell ourselves. They are
reasons of growth, of strength, of exploration, of ever-deepening
openness from a pledge of commitment.
We
have known one another for nearly 8 years, been together but apart
for roughly 5 and half, and together together for 2. In many
ways, I suspect that little will change after today. We will
still search for a more and more graceful dance in our everyday
lives, navigating stresses and joys, sickness and health, intimacy
and independence, learning to read one another with greater subtlety
and responding in more and more giving ways.
It
can be so easy to be alone. We can do whatever we want, when we
want to do it. Nobody challenges us, pushes us to embrace
another viewpoint or perspective. We can work towards our
personal goals unhindered and uncompromised, limited only by our
self-awareness and self-control. A closed system can be very
efficient, safe, and comfortable.
But
as soon as we enter into a world with others, or with another, that
changes. We open ourselves to unknowns, to being challenged by
another's ideas, viewpoints, and routines. We find we may need
to ask ourselves to question our own sense of value, of timing, of
purpose. We might still agree with ourselves in the end, but to
upend our own preconditions and assumptions puts us in a vulnerable
space, swinging from one known to another known through the open
unknown space of trust. The ego of stone is worn away more and
more, perhaps even one day merging fully with the stream of water
that challenged it, becoming it.
Why
go through this? Why disrupt our balance of individuality and
solitude? Because the world is bigger than any one of us. By
opening myself to another, by allowing myself to give and take with
another, I let go of holding on to myself. Many people think of
marriage as the end of certain freedoms. They focus on the
confines of commitment, as though it brings a static presence to
life. But I think it can be something else. It is a
presence that asks us to think again, to find patience, to see things
in a new way, to listen more deeply, to give what we wish to have,
and to ask ourselves more deeply what that is. In the inner
balance of ego and seeking more universal existence, I strangely find
myself appreciating the liberating qualities that marriage can offer.
Being
married is a step further in that commitment. No it is not a
necessity, but internally I think that level of commitment makes a
difference.
And
that we go through this ceremony with others is meaningful. I
admit to being a bit more on the eloping end of the spectrum, but I
have come to appreciate the idea of sharing this experience with
others. Because just as I do not wish to be a closed system,
neither should we be as a couple. We are extended through the
presence of our family and friends. We make these declarations of
love with you and through you. You are a part of guiding us
through life. It has become extremely clear how important you
are, whether you are here in person, or with us in spirit.
But
all of these things don’t fall into place without someone that
seems like the right life partner. I’d probably still be
enjoying my lonely existence were it not for his kindness, his
thoughtfulness, his patience, his reflection, and honesty. I
am deeply grateful to be making this commitment with Andrew. And
grateful for the presence of so much love in our lives.
