Arrival in Madison

I'm back in Madison, Wisconsin.  There is something frightenly clear about the quality of the air here.  I don't have a vocabulary to describe it, perhaps it is "blue," or "hopeful."  People might usually use the words "clear," or "clean," but I think it is so much more than that.  Not magical.  I think it could be measured and compared to the air of New York, but I just don't have the verbal means to describe it empirically.  

I'm staying at a friend's house, (who actually lives in New York) but another friend is living here, one who picked my up from the airport, and suggested some of the restaurant choices in the neighborhood, Thai, Laotian, Mediterranean, African, American, all within 3 blocks.  Just step over or along the bike path in the backyard and you're there.  

The sky is so huge.

I am here for a belt test tomorrow.  And then a dinner.  And the following day to Pittsburgh for an audition.  There are so many things going on all once.  So many growth spurts in such a short time, like  that evening I had my braces laced and my smile changed overnight.  Sometimes I worry that I am losing perspective.  But I am very glad to be here, and very much looking forward to being in Pittsburgh, and on a long train ride, and back in New York, again.  There are many celebrations to be having.  The sky is open.  

Sharing on the Bus

A man on the bus today shared with me that his late wife had played the violin.  "Where do you play?" he said with a smile.  "Oh around, here and there."  "My late wife played, had her masters."  He had gotten up for his stop, so the doors opened and with a good-bye acknowledgment, stepped off.

People touch me sometimes.  What made him need to tell me this?  I have some inking, can't really know, but can imagine.  And that touches me, makes me grateful for his sharing.

Bottleneck of Appreciation

This coming weekend is a bottleneck.  Two things that I am very excited about but probably for that reason, want to give my full energy.  It is an opportunity for stress as much as it is an opportunity for joy.  And important to remember that both opportunities are there.  How often is it possible to turn stress into joy?  We are often stressed about things that we care for.  Maybe it is a matter of discovering the source of our care to do something well, and to see stressful anticipation or experiences as chances to actively try in the service of those things more fully.

But as much as it is important to see that it might be possible to find joy in the things that can cause stress, so too is it important to really acknowledge stress and its power.  Sometimes we can mitigate it by turning it on its side, but sometimes we need to step away from it, to identify the way that it is manifesting in unhealthy ways.  It is a powerful and helpful tool, but not if it rules us.  Learning to take the reigns, perhaps it is a lesson to learn a million times throughout life.

It is a such a privilege and pleasure to be preparing for an audition.  And I am so grateful to have the Tae Kwon Do community and thread which runs alongside the rest of my life, strengthening it and reminding me that there is something more than the day to day that can seem to unrelentingly force our service upon it.

This is a bottleneck of appreciation.  And after that, a bike and spring.

Parks in Manhattan

I enjoyed two parks today, one with a salad and my cello in Hells Kitchen, and one with Andrew, walking in the green in Riverside.  There was a patch of trees with incredible blossoms and a wonderful smell, and people were out with their dogs, taking pictures of them posed under the white and purple branches.  It is really wonderful to have someone with whom to go for a spring walk in the park.

Mahler at the Local Symphony

Last night and tonight we were able to attend the New York Philharmonic for programs of late Mahler.  After sitting in an orchestra for so long, compromising listening and remembering to play, it is a great pleasure to simply listen.  Each player is meaningful, each section, the sound of the hall, the interaction of the musicians, the balance and blend, the ensemble.  These were things to which I was very attentive as a performer and so they continue to strike me as a listener.

The music of late Mahler is filled with the edge of mortality.  To me it seems he was trying to write himself a lullaby, some song of comfort that would reconcile the beauty that he loved in the world with the emotional and physical pain that living was for him.  He never heard either of these works, Das Lied von der Erde or his Ninth Symphony.

But we get to hear them, relived hundreds of times beyond him.  But still the final tonic never comes.

Deciding Days

Being good at making decisions means you know exactly where you stand on a given issue.  Or sometimes it means that you know exactly who you are.  It's nice when you don't have to choose and can be lots of things, but sometimes you have to decide.

Today has been a deciding day.  After buying my tickets to go to Madison for the belt test, which happens two days before an audition in another city, I've spent the past month deliberating if it was the right choice.  It is my last color belt test and something the Madison club does as a farewell before the black belt.  But doing extra traveling, being unable to practice solidly for three days, and doing something physically and emotionally strenuous, are about the last things a person should do if they are taking an audition seriously.  Yesterday I decided that I should side with my musical dedication and really go for the audition.  I would change my tickets.

But today as I tried to change the tickets, I realized it would cost me $600 in addition to the money I already spent on tickets.  That's a lot of money to spend in order to not do something that I've been thinking I want to do.  And so I'm going to go.  Life is a challenge sometimes.  But I know that I am really committed to the audition, first and foremost and will be at the belt test to celebrate.

And I also received an email today offering a gig as a principal player for a very nice group.  All the dates check out, except for about 15 minutes when I would need to be getting to the final recital at the school where I've been teaching.  Am I a musician or a teacher?  Am I trying to get into the gigging scene, or uphold the obligations that I have?  How much does it hurt if I'm missing from the beginning of that recital?  Inside of me I think a lot.  And yet maybe the kids would be fine sitting in the auditorium without me.

I'm walking the middle zone.  Martial artist, orchestral musician, teacher.  Sometimes you don't have to decide and you can do lots of things, but some days are deciding days.

Remembering the Word

I spoke with my mother the other day.  She said it was exciting to see the leaves coming out.  It is, and it is also wonderful to have a mother that is excited by these things.

I sat on a bench by Riverside Park this evening as the sun went down and stared at the sky and the tree branches and their tiny budding green.  I walked by the vibrant tulips with their uncategorizable color, something surrounding and within pink and orange and yellow.  I saw the purple flowers embedded among them and wondered why I don't know their name.  Are they unimportant to me?  Somehow I have looked past them, have nothing to call them, no way to reference or remember them.  Fleeting and gone.  And all the people, other sides of me, in different states of mind, talking on phones, running, texting, biking, walking with urgency.  There's no time for daily, weekly, yearly miracles.

My mother has lived through over 60 opening-of-the-leaves and it is still beautiful to her.  She's given me this, when I remember to recall it.