Catching Points

Yesterday they were great, and today, chaotic.  I think my scholars are as pecuniary and fearful as the rest of the adult population and my job is to award points and corrections and stick to it.  I'm disappointed in my ability to do this consistently.  So I'll keep asking myself if I can do a better job.  Can I put more of my focus on the points and corrections distribution?  100% of the students 100% of the time.  This is what the art teacher advised me today.  Everyone is so supportive.  They know it takes time, that it's difficult.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to have it solved now.  It's a quick fix once I get myself on board.  And yesterday was great.  They were expecting their punishments and I didn't dole them out because they didn't need them.  It was a mistake.  So many thoughts about what I'm going to do with the content of the class and really I think it is far more simple, just lay down the law.  But it is so hard to do that.  To really be fair, to ignore someone if they are talking out of turn, to call them on it, and punish them.  I have to trust that they can be trained.  That's the goal for Thursday.  And better bow holds and the left hand on the cello and better rhythm reading.....

I joined the Riverside Choral Society because I had missed singing for the past ten years.  And it is wonderful to be singing again and it is wonderful to be in this group of people that are very nice and talented amateur musicians.  But we do have to go over things a lot and I miss the rigor of orchestra.  I miss the engagement of sitting next to a really great stand partner.  I miss the trombones.  Yes, that's right.  There are so many colors, so many nuances and capabilities.  I'm surprised how much I miss it and I can feel the atrophy of it every time I'm singing in this group.  For some reason it invokes the desire for more.  And maybe for that reason it is something I need to be doing, to at least be reminded of the importance of making music with others, that it not silently crawl out of existence.

But there is a frustration here.  I wonder if longing is actually connected with lacking or missing.  I remember longing so much in high school.  For what?  Or maybe it was for all the things that have come into me.  I long much less now and somehow feel less sincere.

I had a moment today where I wished to be blind.  It was a feeling, a desire to lose my eyes and ability to see.  Hard to know what to make of it.  Maybe I wish to see the beauty of the front hallway of our apartment again, the way the elevator door closes.  It can be hard to note all the beautiful things once experiences.  How to keep seeing.