Two days ago I was sharing a group class with 4 young cellists. Suddenly a powerful thunderstorm emerged outside, a surprise to all of us on a sunny day! There was lightning and thunder and rain, and I could see their eyes fill with awe and perhaps fear. There was no way they were going to pay attention to their bow speed in French Folk Song. So we made a thunderstorm together by playing really fast on the C string, and then made rain drops by tapping the wood of the bow on the strings. We did these a few times, and then we sat and listened to the sound of the rain on the windows. I shared with them that it was my favorite sound, another one of them said it also sounded like a waterfall or the shower.
I have been fully enjoying teaching. In several group classes and also in my one-on-one work I've felt my students receiving and appreciating our time together and I have felt the same. It is such a change from my experience teaching last year.
And so too have I been enjoying the release of having done my black belt test. I'm not sure I can recall something that I have felt I earned in the same way. I feel very connected to the accomplishment, unlike an audition or competition outcomes which seem connected to luck, or the opinion of a few people at a very acute moment in time. I feel connected to my Tae Kwon Do teachers that helped guide me here, and also feel the next step of guiding others and being ready to fill that position.
Yesterday, was the first meeting for my second year of Suzuki Teacher Training. This is going to be a very different year from last year. We will be teaching students and a class and our teacher trainer is going to be observing us and offering feedback. In our session yesterday, we each taught one of the pre-Twinkle skills (for beginners) to our own class, just to have a run-through of doing it in front of other people. And it felt so uncomfortable. I came away from it feeling a insecure (even though there was nothing wrong) and wondering why and where this feeling came from. I really like the people in my class and we have a wonderful teacher and mentor. As much as I have the temptation to do so, I don't think I can blame my discomfort on them.
I was reflecting on my experience in Tae Kwon Do and the progression of training. Being a beginner is wonderful. You follow and are filled. You have few expectations for yourself and growth is obvious. (Granted it's also really hard because you don't know what you are doing and can't really do it, yet.) Being very experienced is also wonderful, because you know yourself in the domain. But the middle belt levels are very difficult and confusing. You are not a beginner, but you are also not a teacher.
At my last color belt test, for double high red belt, Master D'Amico spoke to our group about being an instructor and made it very clear, This is not about you, it is about your students. At higher levels the goal is to focus fully on the person in front of us, even overlooking a critique of our own teaching, for their benefit. It is not about whether or not we are a good teacher. It is about them. It is about seeing where they are and opening ourselves to serve them as best we are able. In a way, ironically, our teaching skills are not important.
And yet those skills have to come from somewhere. We do have to learn them so that we don't have to focus on them and can fully serve our student. And they come from the middle belt years. Teaching the parts of the cello, or knuckle knocks, or Ants in front of one's peers or with the knowledge that one is being critiqued (even from very supportive peers and teachers) is a different sort of teaching. It isn't only about the students. It is also about the teacher. We are still students. We still see ourselves, learning the skills of becoming better teachers, and this means that it will be uncomfortable because we are not fully in one place. Perhaps this is just the nature of the task and the growth needed.
I think my challenge this year is to be a teacher in this class, to observe my teaching and to treat myself as a student in the midst of it, and at the same time, to be as fully present as possible with those with whom I work, to take myself out of it and enjoy my time with my students, to trust myself, even as I continue to grow.
Reflecting on this has made me think about all the color belt years that we have in our lives, whether it is in martial arts training, or aging, or any other skill or new experience we undertake. It can be very challenging to respect this level of student or participant, from the outside and from the inside. They, we, do not fit into a category of young or old. As a black belt, I am both experienced and also a new beginner. It is a nice place to be. And because I have this perspective, it makes it easier to see other challenging areas of life in a new way.
These positions we hold in our world are constantly changing. We are growing so many ways.
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