One of the most annoying things about being a musicians is giving up a good gig. It kept me up the other night and still eats at me. The reason I did it was to honor my teaching commitments. Am I good person or just suffering from lopsided self-knowledge? I miss playing seriously. And it grates a little more on me that I my students don't yet know how to share the intense passion I have for it.
In giving it up, I've realized its value and that's even more valuable than the gig itself. These mini-deaths are so important to live and relive, and thanks to my never-ending ignorance, I get to do just that. There will always be another regret, and in those blessed regrets, opportunities to love something more and more deeply, to have a greater appreciation and gratitude for what is valuable. When I played in an orchestra everyday, it drowned me.
But now, I have less patience for apathy, both in myself and in my students. We are alive. We have the opportunity to feel, and touch, and experience and share with one another. How will we live up to this potential as fully as possible? It is the time of year when light is leaving us, and somehow everything seems far more precious.
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