Points

I miss playing in an orchestra.  I'm surprised to have this feeling and in a quandary over what to do about it.  I believe in the work and the struggle of teaching my students, even after a day like today which is more challenging than I would have hoped.  (Was it the messy start due to the previous class running over?  Or was it my desire to be more hard lined than is natural for me?  I'm still trying to calibrate this whole thing.  My parents disciplined me by asking how I wanted to be disciplined.  Can I do that here?)  But despite the challenges, they seem like worthy ones to meet.  I believe in them in a way that is quite different from orchestral playing, even from chamber music playing.  It seems larger, more creative, more intertwined in the lives of others, which I enjoy.

I did not enjoy today, though.  And practice seems without purpose.  I think it is an inevitable part of transitions, the weeding of the old self and the building of the new.  And the old self dies hard.  I have no reason to turn away from this afternoon of challenging students, of poor classroom regulation on my part.  Points were flying everywhere, good, bad, inconclusive, and I felt like people were being more hurt than helped by them.  But that is not the issue.  The issue is what I'm trying to build behind them and how I'm going to do it in this school, with all the various things that need attention.  There is something that feels very important to me behind it and I have to listen to that.  But I must also listen to the muscian that is leading the meaning of its importance, to see if the two can learn from one another.