Black Belt Pre-Evaluation

I passed a pre-evaluation to test for black belt this weekend.  The official test will be in September.  This was gateway to that.

These are always very special weekends.  We are all in a room together, doing kicks, jumps, blocks, sit-ups, free sparring, forms, listening to the words of the Master of the club and his two students who are also Masters, taking in every word, hardly eating or drinking anything of 6 or 7 hours.  People come from clubs from Seattle, Champaign-Urbana, Madison, Philadelphia, Austin, and Boston and represent generations of Tae Kwon Do teaching.  It is an unusual club in that there is no exchange of money, and because of this, there is no obligation for a teacher to pass a student to the next belt, nor is there ever any end to training, even after the body can no longer do the things it once could.  The bonds that are formed in the club can last for the rest of people's lives, and as such, this is a second family to all the people there.

It is such a goal to achieve black belt.  But last night while we were having dinner, the Master from the Madison club, my teacher in addition to my private instructor, told me that he has another belt test for the red belts in the club, for second stripe, in April with the regular color belt test.  It's not a required thing, just something that he likes to do and he described it as a farewell.  I have an audition 2 days later.

I am suddenly not ready.  There were 13 of us that evaluated this weekend, a huge group compared to all other years, and we all were given permission to make the decision of whether or not we wanted to test for black belt in September.  This was also highly unusual, for the responsibility to be ours.  Every other year, people pass and people are asked to wait.  But this year, we decide.

Black belts have often said to the color belts that we should enjoy testing because once you are a black belt, you don't get to do it very often.  Year pass between tests.  And I think most color belts think what a relief that would be.  It feels like choosing to grow up, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I've already been on my own for so long.  I'm not ready to say goodbye, nor do I want to miss the opportunity to formally do so.

The theme for the weekend was:  How do you teach what matters, and how do you do it in a way that it will last beyond your life and the life of your student's?

It can be so comforting to have limitations.  The idea of living beyond them is somewhat terrifying.  I don't think I was built to do that.  And yet these times together, the space, the reflection that is offered, and the presence of the all the generations of students and teachers that have been touched and will continue to touch others, seem to suggest that such a thing is possible.  To say goodbye to a teacher is to carry that torch forward.  And with all the love that one has for one's teachers, the burden and impossibility, the responsibility and necessity of it, grow.

But we will all still be here in this life.  This is the wonderful thing.  In a sense, this is a death, after which we may still find one another physically for a time being.  But I think I would like to go to the test in April, to be with the family again, to try with my fellow red belts and rejoice in being together.