Monday, after returning to the school, I found myself in a cycle of divesting tropes, pulling away from a situation that didn't seem right, thinking of other places to commit myself. It so happened that also on that evening, after teaching, Andrew and I went to the home of a colleague--an amazing apartment with a huge window view of the Empire State building--to play chamber music, a really fun music-making experience. It confirmed that it was time to redirect, to look for other options, to use some of these other skills that I have to enjoy a more perfect union of ability and vocation.
And then on Tuesday, after fleshing out some possibilities for other paths, I came back to the school and stopped into a classroom to observe, since my prep space was being used for other things. Maybe it was this, or having a slightly different approach to the lesson plan, or to the use of time and voice in the class, but I felt that we actually achieved a flow in the lesson, where everyone was invested and interested and having a good time, and I was congratulating rather than nagging. There were lots of points but also corrections as I really tried to make my judgment of their behavior clear and fair. It was a really rewarding and fun day of teaching.
I am still pursuing other options. I am still aware that this was one day and maybe the last like this in awhile. But there is something about divesting that suggests a belief that change is not possible, and there is something in investing that suggests the opposite. And in education, one must believe in the latter. I don't think I had ever realized that as an educator, I am the catalyst for this. I have to believe in investing, even against my gut. And maybe my gut will change and see what more can be possible. And that can be a lesson for myself, from my students.
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