Being good at making decisions means you know exactly where you stand on a given issue. Or sometimes it means that you know exactly who you are. It's nice when you don't have to choose and can be lots of things, but sometimes you have to decide.
Today has been a deciding day. After buying my tickets to go to Madison for the belt test, which happens two days before an audition in another city, I've spent the past month deliberating if it was the right choice. It is my last color belt test and something the Madison club does as a farewell before the black belt. But doing extra traveling, being unable to practice solidly for three days, and doing something physically and emotionally strenuous, are about the last things a person should do if they are taking an audition seriously. Yesterday I decided that I should side with my musical dedication and really go for the audition. I would change my tickets.
But today as I tried to change the tickets, I realized it would cost me $600 in addition to the money I already spent on tickets. That's a lot of money to spend in order to not do something that I've been thinking I want to do. And so I'm going to go. Life is a challenge sometimes. But I know that I am really committed to the audition, first and foremost and will be at the belt test to celebrate.
And I also received an email today offering a gig as a principal player for a very nice group. All the dates check out, except for about 15 minutes when I would need to be getting to the final recital at the school where I've been teaching. Am I a musician or a teacher? Am I trying to get into the gigging scene, or uphold the obligations that I have? How much does it hurt if I'm missing from the beginning of that recital? Inside of me I think a lot. And yet maybe the kids would be fine sitting in the auditorium without me.
I'm walking the middle zone. Martial artist, orchestral musician, teacher. Sometimes you don't have to decide and you can do lots of things, but some days are deciding days.
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