On a personal note.....

I love kids.  As I teach, and maybe as I grow a bit older, I love them more and more.  All ages, whether good and bad.  I just think they are really cool.

And at this point in my life, at 33, it's time to make some choices about whether or not I'm going to have my own.  And I think I would like to.  Unfortunately as a woman there is only so much time, and I've enjoyed a lot of it being solo and independent.  But after getting married last month, it seemed like a good idea to perhaps at least start trying, since these things can take awhile.

It's a difficult thing for me, as much as I love children, to be fully ready to give up my body and my life for one.  In the past few weeks, I've started to think that perhaps against all odds, I had become pregnant very easily and quickly.  And admittedly, I'd had mixed feelings about it.  I love eating peaches and apples and sometimes strawberries, and don't normally care about them being organic, but now I'm supposed to because pesticides might effect my child's immune system.  This morning in our Tae Kwon Do workout, I realized I should probably not be doing all the sit-ups and leg-lifts full-kilt, pushing myself to do them as quickly and with as full range of motion as possible, because it would be unsafe.  I should not do all the kicks that require twisting of my torso, or jumping, nor should I engage in free-sparring with contact.  Now would not be the time to explore my personal limits.  Although it's beautiful to have the opportunity to miss that right.  Also, no drinking, or smoking (though those are non-issues), and various other things that I will discover have "pregnancy" warnings on them.  All these little things claim the sovereignty of my body.  And then nursing, and postpartum, rediscovering myself mentally, emotionally, and physically......

So it was a relief to discover this morning that I'm not pregnant.  Yes, I would have been happy to discover that I was if that had been the case, but for now, I get just a little longer to own myself and my body.  I'm still waiting to be ready for the wanting.  I'm just not there yet.  Hopefully even writing this out will help me see the balance of what is given for what can be had, these little luxuries of "freedom" in exchange for a life.  I still have worries and doubts in myself for my altruism.  But I can also trust that things will come in time.