Musicist

It was a busy day today.  I had an interview, taught at the school, and had a choir rehearsal with the orchestra.

In preparation for the interview, I had to prepare a short piece to play and get my thoughts together about my teaching philosophy.  This was a funny thing to do in tandem and certainly so in less than 24 hours.  What do I think about teaching?  What do hope to have private students learn and be able to do through the cello over the course of several years or their lives?  And as I prepared some pieces to play, I had to ask myself, am I doing that?  Would I be able to stand by my words in action?  In the end they didn't even ask me about my teaching philosophy or seem very critical about my playing.  But it was a great opportunity to reflect on this, to see what I might be able to learn from myself.  What do I want from myself as a cellist and musician?

After teaching I went to choir rehearsal.  It is the week of our concert and the orchestra was there, which I had anticipated being a somewhat emotional thing for me.  For years I have been in the orchestra when there was a choir on the concert.  I've been hired to play in those orchestras in the past.  And here I am, in New York, not playing very much; it seemed likely that I would have some longing to be back there.  And yet I didn't feel any missing, which was strange.  I didn't miss being hypercritical about pitch, about articulation, about phrasing.  I didn't miss being irritated at my colleagues for being insensitive about these things or insecure that I was missing something and offending others.  I didn't miss having all of this being under the control or lack of control of the conductor or the people around me.  And I didn't miss making the music on the cello with my hands, when I could be doing it with my voice.  The woman sitting next to me in the choir pointed out the contractor for the musicians and said that she is very nice and knows lots of people.  I should talk to her, get my playing life going.  There she is, right there, the choice.  And maybe I will.  But right now I'm really enjoying singing in the choir; I enjoyed watching the ballet the other night.

Maybe I'm just a little burned out from three years of playing in orchestra and enjoying a hiatus.  I'm enjoying the new musical impetuses of Dalcroze, choir, and the ideals of education and what music ought to be.  This is familiar from my time as a student, the times when I sang in choir in high school, my work on my dissertation with movement and self awareness, my time as a chamber musician.  Perhaps in a little time I will be ready to return to playing the cello as a cellist, but right now I might let myself play a little longer and perhaps return to the cello a little more fully fleshed as a musician.